I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

The above wordings I dedicated to my one and only beloved son,
Ahmad Nur Khairin B Md Khalid

I wasnt prepared for this to happen to him. But I know it was part of my negligence that he suffered now. To recap the moment I found out that I was pregnant, after numerous tries, I never once took care of my diet. I love and can never live without coke. And all I could remember I avoided that drink during my first trimester and after passing thru the so called critical stage in pregnancy, I drank coke almost everyday. And due to this matter, I always monitor what hes being feed with. So far, I see thats hes ok and his diet are all suitable for kids of his age. But Im sad when some people who doesnt know abt this, kept feeding him with foods that hes not suppose to eat....And will always say..."Alah takper buat obat"

Now, this happen. Khairin's cough doesnt seem to go away, its almost a month, went to 2 different clinics and finished the whole medication including the antibiotics but it just went away for few days and he started coughing again. Then last thursday, he got high fever and luckily I had the paracetamol syrup on standby and gave him every 4hourly. And on Friday, it shot up to 38.3 deg that I decided to bring him back to the clinic. Since it was P/H, I got to bring him to the 24 hrs clinic. Temperature taken and it showed 41.5....OMG. The doctor scolded me for giving him fever medications 4hrly cos it may overdose him....I was angry and and at same time shocked. Angry cos, I gave him the medications as prescribed by the dr, to give him 4hrly if I monitor the temp to be high....and shocked cos by doing that I may overdose my darling son.

I was confused and in the end, he decided to insert the bullet. Khairin was screaming like hell and only Allah knows what I felt, it was blank. I only want him to get well thats all. So one whole day I stayed at mums place, she assisted me to take care of Khairin.....Seeing his state I was so down....I kept lying beside him.

On sat, seeing his that hes ok, I proceeded with the plan to shift some of my things to my sis place. I needed to clear my home for the big event. Hub decided that we put Khairin under his parents side and I obliged even though I was not confident. Why I said so, if Khairin is there, during the period that hes on medication, he will miss that. They told me that they tak sampai hati tgk Khairin nangis mcm tu sekali. In my heart, he will definitely cry, but we have to force, if not how to get well, we can always pacify him balik as long as the medications go down his throat. So when hub suggested that, I told him, I dun care, what I know Khairin will eat his medicine, dia nangis mcm rumah nak roboh ke, I know he swallow every single drop of it. Hub promised me that he shall explain it to them.

Alhamdulillah, when its cycle for his medicine, I was there to feed him myself. One funny thing abt this boy, whenever he sees me out from the kitchen, he will peek at my hand, and if he saw me with the little syringe, he will quickly crawl backwards...*lol*

Then came Sunday, everything was normal during the day. But during these few days, what I noticed he will always run a temp at night. Sometimes burning hot that I could feel it penetrates to my skin. In the middle of night, I will sponge him and made him sleep by my side and kept stroking his back with lullabys till he slept.

On Monday morning, after sending him to my mums place, mum told me to bring him to this paede. I thought of going later evening but seeing his state, I guess better go dun wait anymore. Decided to declacre my own leave, and that will be urgent leave. I know they will not be happy but Im doing this because Im his mum. Once reach we were the first patient. Dr Foo, asked me lots of q and why I didnt bring him earlier since his cought was long. I said that I always finish work late and by the time I came back, to rush to the clinic was so the tkdemasa. She then told me to follow the nurse together with Khairin to the other room for the nebulizer. I was stunned. It was placed near his chest to help clear the airway. It took around ten minutes and after that, back to the doctors room.

Dr Foo checked on him and said, it was better and told me to take him for a walk and come back again in 20 minutes. If hes all alrite then they dont have to do another round. Alhamdulillah after the 20 mins he was still ok but Dr Foo need us to give him the puffs at home. My knees was getting weak. Dr Foo taught mum how to do it and she emphasise, even if he cry, let him cry, this thing has to be done.

So at home I could see that hes breathing was so fast that I kept seeing tears from his eyes. He looked at me straight into my eyes and all I could do was cry together with him. It got worse when we tried to let him take the puff. He cried so hard that I cried with him. Whenever he saw me coming with the chamber, he turned his face and cried. I got to force ourselves and I know it was hard for him. After we completed each cycle, I will kiss him and apologise. I make sure, I wake up in the night when its time for his puff or medicine. I am responsible for everything.

After all this incident, I talked to hub that, for all this while, I have tolerated alot of negligence from either myself or others. But after this, Im gonna be more firm. Im gonna protest if I know the food is gonna be harmful to him. May Allah gives me the strength to overcome all this.

For my baby son, Mama am really sorry. I dun mean to hurt you. Get well soon.